Cell Phones

North Royalton follows other cities with brilliant cell phone while driving ban:
After the recent report about the man who caused an accident not because of talking on a cell phone but by eating chili while driving so I thought it best to have legislation introduced that will be sure to eliminate any doubts about what is legal and what is the law so we all can be 100% accident free. I have compiled an extensive list that should bring great clarity to this most difficult dilemma. Under my proposal it would be illegal to:
Eat chili while driving but hot dogs (no condiments since those could spill on pants causing great distractions)
Referring to paper maps but changing Garmon criteria would still be legal
Eating Soups of any kind but popcorn would certainly be legal
Putting on mascara yet allowing lipstick to be applied
Dining on Chinese except for egg rolls ( dipping sauce free), sticky rice and crab ragoon
Appling nail ( finger or toe) polish while allowing for
Tying ties would be illegal but straightening hats would be legal
Drinking hot chocolate ( because it is always scaldingly hot) but coffee permitted since hot temperatures are illegal after the great McDonalds lawsuit.
Chocolate candy that has reached 40 degrees or above ( begins to melt) except for M&Ms and Junior Mints
Allowing dogs to sit on drivers lap, or drive, but one hand head petting allowed as well as dog nose sticking out of passenger window not to exceed 4 ½ inches from car
Shaving except for battery operated razors that do not exceed the noise level ( refer to Horn Beeps)
Removing any clothing (jackets, pants…) except for sunglasses, hats, fake moustaches and toupees.
Putting on any clothing (jackets, pants…) except for sunglasses, hats, fake moustaches and toupees.
Playing of Monopoly, Sorry or Backgammon but bingo is always legal
Jelly filled doughnuts but all glazed varieties are acceptable
Clipping nails ( toes or fingers) while permitting one handed tissue free( see below) nose picking
Tissue use for anything but using fingers and forearms legal
Mooning while driving would be illegal but the bird is always permitted except in school zones
Gawking at beautiful women ( or men) walking but allowing non distracting smiles
Bubble blowing using any instruments but gum bubbles not exceeding 8.5 inch diameter is legal
Horn beeps lasting more than 1.5 seconds or voices raised above 80dB
We had been just using the inadequate current reckless driving laws but since we have begun the process of a specification of offenses, by banning cell phone use , we must be of low level intelligence and require detailed government laws to protect us from ourselves. The Chinese do this most successfully and we are determined to catch up to our communist brothers and sisters.